Have I mentioned my dislike for snakes? I’m pretty sure I have but in case you missed it…
Tammy DOES NOT LIKE SNAKES!
They slither, they hiss and they give me the heebie jeebies. I know God had a plan for all of his miracles that He created. You know the whole “circle of life” thing. I know we’re not supposed to question his miracles. And I also know that snakes eat mice…yada yada yada. But seriously, snakes?! This is one miracle I can do without.
Thank goodness for our canine reptile hunter, Maggie. She can find a snake quicker than I can kick my cheetah print stilettos across the room.
One Sunday afternoon I was de-weeding my flower beds around the side of the house when I hear Maggie barking like crazy. I’m thinking to myself, way to go Maggie! She finally one-upped the gecko that taunts her daily. As I’m heading inside to use the ladies room, I glance towards the outdoor kitchen where her bark is coming from.
HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS…
she had a rattlesnake backed into a corner. I run inside to get my phone and call Cowboy…no answer. I call Pops…no answer. I call our boy wonder…
ME: (out of breath and needing to use the restroom badly) I need you to come here, Maggie found a snake!
BOY WONDER: Mom, I can’t come help you, I’m working. Just grab a shovel and kill it.
ME: WHAT?! What have you been smokin? Listen dude, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! Your boss will understand and if he doesn’t, I’ll write you a note. This snake is as long as I’m tall!
BOY WONDER: Really…it’s that long?
ME: Okay, that may be a little exaggerated but I needed to get my point across. But, I am NOT going to be the one to kill it! So you just need to get here and take care of it!
BOY WONDER: (chuckling) I can’t come and help you, I’m working. If you can’t get dad, call Papaw (aka Pops)
Apparently I have lost complete parental control over this kid!
Still doing the potty dance, it suddenly dawns on me that maybe Pops is at home eating lunch. So I cross my fingers (and legs) and dial his number.
ME: Mother-in-law, I have a situation here at the house, is Pops home?
MOTHER-IN-LAW: No he’s with Cowboy. What’s wrong?
ME: Maggie has a rattlesnake cornered. I’ve called everyone and either they don’t answer or they’re working.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: Oh dear. What are you going to do? Wait…the UPS man is headin your way, flag him down to kill it.
Now I want ya’ll to get a picture of that UPS driver’s face when he sees me running after him with my arms flailing in the air. I’m pretty sure he would high tail it out of podunk country as fast as that brown truck would take him.
My phone rings and Cowboy’s wranglers pop up on the screen. Just kidding! But that is a great idea! Another thing to add to my to-do list and maybe another story to write about.
COWBOY: I missed your 13 phone calls, are you ok?
ME: NO I am NOT ok! Maggie has a rattlesnake cornered. Please come and kill the darn thing. AND I need to use the restroom really bad so make it snappy!
COWBOY: (chuckling) I won’t be home until dark. Just grab a shovel and kill it.
Seriously! Just grab a shovel and kill it?! And this chuckling thing..if Cowboy taught boy wonder how to chuckle, I’m gonna need to hit BOTH of them over the head with one of my dead plants.
So this story ends with me putting my big girl panties on and taking care of the situation.
Okay that’s a lie. Lord, please forgive me.
So, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is the snake slithered away and will probably be back to taunt Maggie and I another day. The good news is… I didn’t wet myself!!
til’ next Sunday ya’ll- Tammy
