Hold on to your knickers y’all cause here’s the conclusion-
… as I’m minding my own business in the bathroom I hear something outside of the bathroom door. Thank the sweet Lord above! Cowboy has come to the rescue. I hop off the edge of the tub and swing the door open, ready to greet my wrangler wearing hero.
Only he is not what greeted me on the other side of the door…
I look down towards the direction of where the noise was coming from to find the red solo cup. WTH?! How did that cup get from the other end of the hallway to the bathroom door? *#!! (sorry mom and dad).
You have got to be kidding me! I grab my hairbrush from the counter and scoot the cup ever so gently away from the door trying to keep the curly-tailed creature under it. I quickly close the door again.
Where is Cowboy? What is taking him so long?
Grabbing my phone I begin to punch the number keys harder than I should because I need to be dramatic.
COWBOY: I’m parking.
ME: Listen up dude you better get in this house, I’m about to have a panic attack.
COWBOY: Are you still hiding in the bathroom?
ME: Absolutely and I’m not coming out until you kill whatever that thing is.
ME: Who is it?
COWBOY: (chuckling) Who do you think it is? Open the door.
ME: (Before I open the door I begin to ask all of the important questions) Did you see it under the cup? What is it? Did you kill it?
COWBOY: Just open the door.
I open the door to see Cowboy holding the red solo cup.
COWBOY: I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
ME: First tell me what that horrid creature was that caused me so much pain on my foot.
COWBOY: I’m pretty sure it was a scorpion.
ME: A what? I’ve never heard of such a thing! We don’t have those where I’m from.
COWBOY: (Chuckling) I’m sure that’s right. Welcome to country life.
ME: I’m so glad you killed it.
COWBOY: I didn’t. There wasn’t anything under the cup. That was the bad news.
ME: *!#*! Then what is the good news?
COWBOY: I’m home and I’m sure it left the house with all of your screaming. I’ll spray again tomorrow and that should take care of it. You can come out of the bathroom now.
ME: ( Walking slowly on my tippy toes) I exit my safe haven and head to my shoe closet to find something to protect my feet.
COWBOY: What’s for dinner?
ME: (Waving my arms around to add a little more drama) Sweet Jesus! I just had a near death experience and YOU want to know what’s for dinner?
COWBOY: Rescuing you always makes me hungry.
After dinner, I clean the kitchen, take a shower and we both head to bed. As I’m drifting off to sleep I feel something crawl up my leg. I quickly jump up and pull the covers back. Nothing.
COWBOY: What’s wrong?
ME: (Doing the heeby jeeby dance) I must be dreaming about that dumb scorpion! I felt something crawling up my leg.
COWBOY: Will you just get back in bed please?
I look at the clock and sigh while I climb back in to bed and start drifting off to sleep again.
DISCLAIMER- This blog post is about to jump from “G” rated to “PG” so if you’re not down for some TMI then move along.
I feel something crawling on my upper thigh and it’s getting closer to my forbidden fruit. I swing the covers off and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!! It’s the scorpion from the red solo cup! I scream and frantically try to back away from the direction it’s heading when all of a sudden I feel a searing hot sting on my lady part.
I scream and yell and scream again.
COWBOY: What in the world is..
before he can finish his question I flick the scorpion towards him and it stings him on his shoulder.
COWBOY: *!#* Tammy!
ME: It was an accident. I promise.
Cowboy jumps out of bed and kills the scorpion. He comes around to where I am and looks at me and then looks down and then back up.
ME: How bad is it?
He doesn’t say anything and only shakes his head.
COWBOY: I’ll be right back.
He comes back holding an ice pack.
COWBOY: You’re gonna need this.
P.S. Have you ever been stung on your private part by a scorpion? I can assure you that it is the WORST place to be stung. There is not a word in the dictionary that describes the pain. It hurts and swells.
My lady part swelled so much that it was beginning to look like a blowfish on constant alert.
P.S. I will forever fear scorpions and I have since rethought my night time apparel.
’til next Sunday y’all- 𝔁𝓸, 𝓣𝓪𝓶𝓶𝔂 ❥